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Monday, March 1st, 2004
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6:29 pm
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I haven't updated this thing in a year and day, but I figured... well... I might as well.
I'm fairly depressed, over all. I've been fairly depressed for weeks. I thought that maybe the fog of February would be lifted but nope. I still feel just as useless and lonely.
Maybe it's because I'm graduating soon and I have no idea what the heck I'm doing. Not a clue. And I miss ![[info]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/userinfo.gif) idc who I ought to write or call. And I'm a piss poor communicator. I ought to call Carey as well, but crying on the phone has always been something I go to great lengths to avoid.
So...hm. I guess I'll be online and then I'll read some books. I have sooo much to read and even though breaks coming up, I doubt I'll have time to read. That'll be the nice part of graduating, having time to breathe.
Well, that felt better. Nice to have somewhere to rant. I feel like that's somehow impossible to really do on stupid livejournal.
current mood:  lonely
current music: "Canon in D," Beethoven
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| Thursday, August 28th, 2003
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2:09 pm
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Good grief. I didn't realize that Lisa's class was going to be so...depressing. I suppose I should have considering the subject matter but I was hoping not to burst into tears at the end of Lights out in the Reptile House by Jim Shepard which by the by is an incredible book that everyone in the world should have to read and understand. I'd try to explain it but it would take too long and totally ruin its effect. Though it makes me feel like angsting like Horatio for the rest of my life because gah!
In fact, I don't know how I'm going to discuss this book without throwing up or crying. It's so much how the real world is and how people and governments are. And not just how Hitler and others have been, but... And that's not even the real problem. The worst part is, Karel's story totally throws into question everything. Especially the idea that good people do good things or stand up for things because...I could understand him being so terrified...and I don't want to be like him...but in some ways I probably am. Which brings me back to blaming myself for the world.
Lisa better have some damned solutions to the problem because...right now I feel like shite.
current mood:  sad
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| Monday, August 25th, 2003
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1:12 pm
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Yay made it through add/drop although I'm taking five classes instead of the four I planned on taking. I'm not sure about voice lessons now. And unless I drop one, I'm taking: Cultural Approaches to Math, Creative Writing: Fiction, Education of Diverse Learners, a class with Lisa Haines-Wright (who I adore) called Making Up/Making Real and (aheh) Beginning Latin. Latin was sort of merely because lex_of_green was taking it, but now that I know jenavira is also in it, I'm even more excited. Plus, Latin could be fun and useful to know. If I can't do all of them, I'll drop Education of Diverse Learners. Which I'm tempted to do anyway...
( My Schedule )
Not to bad at all, really. Hrm, I wonder if the second job idea will still work out. Maybe not because I have to put in 12 hours at the library if I can and I'm not interested in having no time to hang out with people and to write.
I have to go to a library meeting at two and then I'm going to drive to the bookstore with the Lads, I suspect. Might be time for a short nap...or maybe just a cup of chai. I hope I actually get to talk to Jag tonight. Ooo and maybe see some of the Scarlet Pimpernel too.
current mood: yawn
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| Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
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2:57 am - My dearest friend, if you don't mind...
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*Welcome to Spoilerville, population: Horatio Hornblower.*
Well, I watched HH2. Bah, stupid emotionally-handicapped Horatio. "I am happy to have served with you." I facepalmed myself so hard that my forehead still aches. *sigh* At least Mopey McDoofus did say that Archie was his "dear friend."
Hopefully William said something more meaningful during his last conversation with Archie. Which would work well for a fan fic. *ponders*
I do so love William/Horatio/Archie (or whatever the order should be). Though I have to admit I really, really truly, madly deeply <3 William/Archie. Their love issoperfect. *squee*
Like when Archie decides to stay on watch with William. And when they're both all lusty and happy that Horatio is taking a shower to increase the ship's morale...*ahem* And when they're playing around with the telescope and spying on the Spanish couple. And when Archie laughs at William's "I call it 'bloody dangerous'" comment. And when William talks about hating turnips. And....ok, so practically every scene with them became further evidence of their love.
But the best scene is when Archie walks over to William and says he should have helped Wellard out. And William looks over at Horatio and tells him something of the effect that he should keep better track of Archie. *grin* And the look they gave each other. *drool* Doubtlessly, they both wandered off muttering about teaching the other a thing or two and ended up shagging each other senseless in Horatio's room.
Don't get me wrong though. I like Horatio/Archie and William/Horatio too. Hee, poor Archie endlessly breathlessly saying Horatio's name and then Horatio always saying "Archie." And then it's like they ahem under their breath and immeadiately start calling each other Mr. Hornblower and Mr. Kennedy again. Their love is socuteandsnuggly. *sighs happily* Oh, to have been a man and to have spent my life in the gay!Navy.
Styles and Matthews really are such a great part of that show. *chuckles* Matthews almost hugging Horatio was so cute in a "I'm proud of you, son" sort of way. Hobbs and Randall kind of grew on me. Their love is somadeupbyme. *tee hee* Wellard is adorable too. Sawyer just cracks me up. I love when he's all mean and nasty to Buckland.
And we hates Hammond and Buckland. Heh. And occassionally Pellew gets on my last nerve. If I were Horatio, I would have told him to take that promotion and shove it so I could go back to pining away for Archie. Of course, if I had been Horatio, there's a lot of other things that would have happened. Angsting would not have been the first thing on my to do list, I'll tell you that much.
Buckland should have been the one killed or mortally wounded or hung. *pout* Maybe that's what I'll do in my AU fic. Just kill off silly Buckland. He's only redeeming factor is that he's mad jealous of William/Horatio/Archie. *giggle* "You're so full of yourselves and each other." I still say when the OT3 are all jailed below in the hold, Horatio so shouldn't have been allowed to wear clothes. >]
*sigh* Can't blame him for that. I'm still all for kidnapping Paul, Ioan and Jamie.
[/fangirl ravings]
And for those of you who haven't seen Horatio Hornblower: What the heck is wrong with you? See it! Write me fics!
[really... /fandom nonsense]
As for things that actually effect my life outside of my obsessions news, I'm insured to drive my sister's car that I'm sharing with my sister. Which is good because I need to find a second job if I can and also good so I can drive around where ever on weekends at Beloit.
Time for bed, I suppose.
Cheers.
current mood:  chipper
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| Friday, August 22nd, 2003
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12:19 am - "My name is Legion and We are many..."
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Demons are so cool although they sure say "We are Legion" a lot. Promethea vol. 3 was so great. I'll have to quote some of it later. I just love Alan Moore. I love everything he says about magic and demons and love and life....he's just *sniffles* a truly amazing being.
I also saw "Ghost Rig." Solely for Jamie Bamber eyecandy, but...I rather liked the movie. And in my warped mind, I found a slashy couple that I want to write a fan ficion for. The plot was bizarre, not overly original but very well done. And for a movie that went straight to video...it's sensational. Granted, some of this is clouded by my love for Jamie, but compared to a lot of the horror movies I've seen lately, this one was very good. The ending was so wonderful too. I mean, if you sat through "28 Days" and then compared it to "Ghost Rig," it's a shame "Ghost Rig" didn't make it into the theatres.
*ahem* But....I really shouldn't write fan fiction or buy this movie, right?
Right?
current mood: chipper
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| Thursday, August 21st, 2003
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1:08 pm
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I haven't been this hot....in like... a long time. Of course the reason is I'm at my mother's. I wouldn't be here if my father could have just come over to get us but he "forgot." He forgot because he's mad that I wasn't at his house last night. Never mind any good news I might have had. Like my liscense. Sorry to whine. I was just hoping he'd be excited or happy since he's been on my case all summer. It's amazing how much he doesn't care. I'm so glad I'll be at Beloit soon. Sunday is okay. Blah wish I was going up on Saturday.
In the mean time, I'm burning up. I have all the fans on and it still doesn't make a lick of a difference. There's only one solution. I need to move away as soon as I graduate from Beloit. Er...well ok so that's not the real solution but it's one I like.
Other than that, not much has been happening. I'm on Promethea vol. 3 now. Mmmm so love that series. So love all the Prometheas. They are so cute.
I'm also a bit of a dunderhead for failing to remember I can take one more English class besides the two Creative Writing classes I need to graduate. So with all luck, I will be in another Lisa Haines-Wright course. So that, Creative Writing: Fiction, Cultural Approaches to Math (hopefully the same one as Lex) and Education of Diverse Learners will be my courses. I might also opt to take voice lessons. We'll see.
If I can ever get my little sister up, I'm going to the library. I can't stay like this until 5pm. >< Until then, I'm going to drink copious amounts of water. Maybe I'll watch Horatio Hornblower. If I can convince myself to move.
current mood:  bitchy
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| Tuesday, August 19th, 2003
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6:57 pm
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I spent the morning and afternoon at my grandparents' house which was actually quite nice. Sometimes I wish I lived at their house. I think it's really the hobbit in me that hates going places...and then once I get to the place I hate to leave. Maybe if I had a hobbithole, I'd be less torn and would obviously rather stay in my home and make tea.
Anyway, I made fried green tomatoes with my grandmother and had conversations about Westerns and car insurance with my grandfather. I like being around relatives who agree and genuinely like me and feel that I am in fact capable of functioning in society. Plus my grandfather says things like "You can't get blood from a turnip". And that just made my day, really.
I finished Promethea vol. 1 and desperately need vol. 2, 3, etc. It's so amazingly good and I'm so in love with the ugly creepy bad guy, Jack Faust. Who I think is a combination between Jack the Giantkiller and Faust...only time will tell, I guess.
Anyway, I just have to share the scene where he enters the library and talks to Sophie Bangs (one of the Prometheas):
( Jack the Faust makes his appearence )
*giggles* And boy, I'm smitten. Even if he's hideous without the glamour. And this will only make sense to dru_dollhouse, but I want Orfeo to be somewhat like that. 'Cept the hideous part, of course.
Other than that, I made a good deal of progress on packing and on my room. Hopefully after I get my liscense I'll have more time. Ugh, everyone cross your fingers for me. I really want to get it. ^^;;
current mood:  amused
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2:29 am
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Well, other than my love for Jamie Bamber, I started packing, I'm ready to take the driver's test on Weds. (pray for me...or...something...I have to pass) and I bought vol. 1 of Alan Moore's Promethea.
I'll start eventually but Lex is on and trying to her is far more important. Eek, Kyle's bringing a tarantula to Beloit. Mou....maybe this will help me get over my fear, otherwise I guess I'll avoid his room. Have to admit even a spider would be better than the stupid beagle my family owns. Dealing with him is just... Suffice it to say, I never thought I could hate an animal this much.
*ahem*
But soon I shall be at Beloit. *sigh* On Sunday which works but isn't as good as going back on Saturday might have been.
Tomorrow, I'm going to see my grandparents then hopefully finsh packing so I can clear out the junk in my room. Shouldn't take too long...longish anyway. Then I just need to get a few more things like a lamp, towels and possibly a fridge since Rachel brought up a microwave.
Bloody packing. Mmm Archie.
current mood:  awake
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| Sunday, August 17th, 2003
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6:07 pm
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Got back late last night from Ohio. It was a decent enough drive. We stopped at Chili's and talked a lot. I subjected Erin to HH which she really liked. I spent the time drooling over Clayton and Archie. And of course angsty Horatio. Heh such a good show and so cheesey cute. I need to buy season 2 and I need to see season 3.
Once Erin left in the morning, I worked on my room. It's starting to look much, much better. Tomorrow I'll be doing heaps of laundry at the laundromat and then hopefully I'll be able to start packing. I have to narrow down the books I bring. Hm, and I think that's about it. I should have enough paper and such. Don't need to get too much besides a lamp and so shower stuff.
And since it seems to be what everyone's doing, here's my to do list for like the next week or so. Some of this can wait until I'm settled in at Beloit.
to do:
1. finish up room/vaccum
2. shop for supplies for school
3. pack
4. get a hair cut (?)
5. work on a two part Griffin/Dorian fic that deals with their relationship from each of their POVs
6. write a William/Archie fic
7. work on Shadows, particularly fleshing out Rhys, Richard, and Corbett
8. continue to pester people to read the original pirate slash
Ugh, could my stupid room be any hotter? I need to go find another fan.
current mood:  hot
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| Saturday, August 16th, 2003
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1:12 am
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Well, I bought myself season 1 of Horatio Hornblower. I shouldn't have but I did. I'm glad I did. I can hug them sadly during the 5 hour car ride back to Chicago. *sigh* Bayh, so not happy that I'm leaving tomorrow and not Saturday, but I wouldn't be that much happier leaving Sunday. ;__;
*ahem* Anyway, I went to this really great place called the old spaghetti factory and then witnessed Brian's Palladium game and saw eisen (whom the pirate in the pirate slash which no one reads *grr*) is based on. :] Met Pirate!John too. He was pretty cool, pretty cute too. And I played with Gretchen.
Mou. That tears it. Got to get that liscense when I get home. And pack. Luckily mt father won't be home. I'll go stay at my mother's and take a bath and sulk.
current mood:  annoyed
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| Friday, August 15th, 2003
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1:30 pm
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The Fandoms I Have Known (in bed) Meme
( Read on... )
*squee* I can't wait to be back at Beloit. Though ugh, packing. *twitch* Must not think about that now as I'm still here in happy Ohio.
And people, please go read the Pirate Slash so Jag will continue writing it with me. Please? *pokes*
current mood: amused
current music: MacGuyver
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| Thursday, August 14th, 2003
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3:03 pm
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Yay finally finished this Remus and Snape fic I was working on. Heh, it's more of a conversation than anything else but I rather like it. Go here to read it.
Hrm, to try writing a weird short horror story.
current mood:  productive
current music: Bewitched
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| Wednesday, August 13th, 2003
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6:00 pm - Because I'm fed up too...*sigh*
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Well, most of what I would say was what dru_dollhouse already said but here goes.
I have to admit that I'm a bit sick of the horrible selection of fan fictions out there.
Let's take a look at slash. Now, I understand that gay guys are interesting. But could someone please explain to me why gay relationships are viewed like some sort of rare animal in the zoo? It's not that different than a het relationship because people are people. Gay people don't magically have wild sex more than other people. Gay men don't lack the emotional capacity to have relationships bnased on love.
It's kind of sick really to look at how fangirls view gay men. It is a view that is of course perpetuated by everything we read and see. The myth that being gay means dressing and acting like a swishy alien and having sex with only strangers and dying at age 30 of AIDS is absolutely ridiculous.
There ought to be a ban on emotionally, phsyically abusive fan fiction involving gay men. Fan fiction that says that gay men magically get over rape in a matter of seconds and will be willing to have sex with whoever finds them afterwards. How fucking sick is that?
Now I've never been raped and i'm not a gay man, but...just what is so appealing about passive rape? It's for this reason that I have a problem with yaoi, In particular a good chunk of anime/manga about them that only serves to enforce that myth that gay men are magical beings from the planet Passive Rape.
Open up any number of them, and you'll find a young man getting molested in his sleep, some stranger sticking his hands down the other man's pants, or some man backing a protesting little blonde thing up against a wall and helping him to enjoy being raped.
I guess perhaps this is ok for awhile... I mean, we all enjoy non-con now and again but... Is it so much to ask that every once in a bloody while, someone could write something realistic about love not lust? That someone could write a fic about a couple holding hands and being happy instead of being in bloody angsting despair?
And none of these despairing miserable gay stories offer any hope. In most cases, I tend to question their value. Certainly their influence weighs heavy on some, but they are in of themselves extremely empty stories. They're not meaningful because none of the characters mean anything. There's little to no plot, there's little to no connection between the two men until at least 5 volumes of fucking has taken place.
And then instead of trying to do something new with the characters or plot or perhaps making it mean something, people just write more porn for that series. They write about the couples becoming even more fucked up, even more horrible. They add in suicidal tendencies, physical abuse and hurt/comfort.
Anyway, I think I lost sight of my rant but...really it all boils down to this: The sickness needs to stop. People need to stop getting their rocks off from turning gay men into some sort of rabid species of raccoon. And fan fiction is going down the tubes.
And I think I'll be lucky if anything I write ever gets read if all people care about is bad, horrible smut that is in most cases poorly written.
Fan Fiction should be about quality not the quantity of shit some idiot 16 year-old writes. And if I had some way to get them to stop writing their nonsense, I would persue it...*sigh*
I guess the obvious one is to stop caring but...that's a stupid solution. Another suggestion that seems to be going around is to just not read it, but it's unavoidable. It really is.
Still open for suggestions though and since this rant is becoming a ramble, I'll go off and try to think of some ways...wish me luck.
current mood: ugh
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| Monday, August 11th, 2003
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3:35 pm
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Still at Jag's obviously. :D Updating because she's going to a job interview with Brian (her boyfriend) in about...oh, 5 minutes or so.
Heh. If anyone's interested in a fluffy LXG movieverse fio about Tom and Huck, check out [lj]lxg_slash. It's posted under [lj]kittydesade.
Saw "S.W.A.T." on Saturday. Wasn't too great but it was amusing.
Yesterday, we saw this movie that was on SciFi called "Momentum" and I swear, if Grayson McCouch shaved off his stubble, lost his glasses and a teensy bit of his tan, he'd make the perfect Daniel. Plus Michael Masse (Funboy from "The Crow" movie) was in it. Mmmmm telekinesis...I want that power. The ending of the movie was rather disappointing though. A pity. We've also watched "Pricilla, Queen of the Desert" twice now. Heh, still can't get over the cuteness that is Hugo Weaving and Guy Pierce. <3 They were so together. *squee*
We also watched the Denis Leary Roast on Comedy Central. Awwww, he kissed this fellow comedian and friend of his on the lips and *swoon* dipped him when they hugged and...wow....it was awesom.e I love Denis Leary. He should be sleeping with Mario Cantone.
Tonight hopefully we'll work some more on Uninvited (a Holtz and Tara WiP), pirate slash and possibly start something new. Or maybe I'll talk her into writing a Matrix Twinfic. >]
I think i'll read a book or some Sandman while she's at the interview. Haven't been up to too much today. We went over to Brian's house and she played with her kitty (Gretchen) and I tried to make friends with the white cat with blue eyes Brian caught. I hope his parents end up keeping it. I think he's deaf...or at least rather hard of hearing. He's obviously upset. Poor little thing isn't feral and definately should not be put to sleep. :[
And to end the entry on a happy note, the chicken is marinating nicely so tonight's stirfry will be good. :] If not there's always the marshmallows and cinnamon rolls.
Off they go to the interview. Hopefully it'll work out.
current mood:  happy
current music: "Can't Stop," Red Chili Peppers
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| Sunday, August 10th, 2003
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12:26 pm
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Well, I'm at Jag's house. YAY! ^__^ It's been great so far. Just seeing her was fantastic. We've been working on a few stories. Mostly pirate slash and stuff for some of our original characters whose babble and cuteness can be found "http://www.blurty.com/~kaneresidence">here</a>.
Guess that's all for now then.
current mood:  groggy
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| Friday, August 8th, 2003
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3:02 am
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I'm still up...I should sleep...considering I have to be ready to go by 8am sharp...
I need more William/Archie. *sniffle*
Off to er a 2 hour nap, I go. :]
current mood: awake
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| Thursday, August 7th, 2003
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9:16 pm
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I finally saw the two movies for season 2 of Horatio Hornblower.
( thoughts and spoilers )
Haven't done much else besides that. I've been half-heartedly cleaning my room and trying to figure out what to pack without overpacking. ^^ I might be bringing too little this time for once.
And yay! So soon until I go spend 10 days with Jag. And I won't be here with all the annoying people (i.e. my family) for awhile. *dances around the house* Probably won't be online too much.
Hopefully all of you can survive my absence. ^_~
current mood: chipper
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1:35 am - "Tell me about Ohio...."
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*squees* And just when life sucks the most, that's when it gets all the more worthwhile. Thanks to the amaing, lovely...geez, I won't be patronizing, but words can't do justice to Erin. Seriously. And this in general and not just because. *drumroll* I get to go visit Jag for 10 days.
^______^
So now I just have to wash some clothes, pack some books, pack the stuff I have for Jag and off I go on Friday morning. I'll bring lots of CDs with and I shall spend the ride in utter bliss.
I also helped Carey with her bedroom and some of her dressers. I might go back and help her a bit tomorrow, but I don't think I'll have much time now... Ah well. She'll understand.
I finally own LXG vol. 1. I was so torn between than and the first volume of Sandman. I would have got Brief Lives instead had it been cloth and not hardcover. I hadn't read it in so long. Wow...just...wow... I cried. ^^;;; Though it was a very short little tear and sniffle because I got interrupted like five times by people asking me questions about comics. Why does everyone always think I'm a freakin' book guru or some sort? Heh, it's so funny.
Anyway, I guess that's all for now. So happy and tired now. <3
current mood:  jubilant
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| Wednesday, August 6th, 2003
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6:11 pm
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Quick post before I go to paint at Carey's. Whee painting. Though I feel a bit ridiculous wearing these short shorts. Bah, at least I won't get my clothes that I care about splattered with sky blue paint.
My grandparents are making what is already stressful, a billion times worse. My father is doing his best at playing the part of sympathetic parent. It's not very convincing. He's probably relieved that I'm stuck putting up with his parents instead. Tried calling Erin again...><
My self-loathing is only made worse by Daniel's self-loathing Geez, damned original characters contributing to one's own pain. Like I needed his help. Honestly. I think I might just make him a LJ. He can angst so I can cheer up.
But thanks dru_dollhouse for the cards. We love you too. <3
current mood:  loved
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3:09 am
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uncomfortable